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Keido
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Name: Keido
Birthday: 12/16/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: *lol* Well, there's badminton and guitar and music and badminton and movies and badminton and school and music and friends and chocolate and books and badminton and the political system and people and just most things in general.
Heh and apparently I'm a closet chickflick book lover.
Expertise: Not much I'll tell ya that. But in general, I tend to be somewhat decent at most things
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Keido x17
Member Since:
2/20/2004
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| Sitting alone and suffering from either insomnia and/or procrastination, an ironic thought struck me. I should write a goals for the semester list.
I think academic goals are always a nice place to start so here we go;
- I'm going to go to 370. As boring as it may be and as tedious as it may get, it will make me review the material that I will need to pass the exams that I've failed and will fail tomorrow. Therefore, I will go to 370.
- I'm going to go to every class. I can hear you laughing already and the knowledge that I may be forced to take an 8AM section of a class is probably not going to assuage your mirth. But I know I need to go to class. So unless I am physically unable to attend (due to distance from campus or physical illness, not unconsciousness - though occasionally understood) I will go to class.
- I'm going to study at least eight hours a week for actuarial exams until I finish both manuals completely and totally.
- And I'm not going to get complacent this time.
Social goals are how I usually finish the list but this time, I think this might be a good spot to put them;
- I'm going to be active in at least 2 clubs. This is so I don't end up emo and alone at night wondering what the fuck went wrong with me that I can't keep one relationship solid no matter how social I come off as. So I don't end up wondering why they all leave so fast.
- I'm going to be less passive-aggressive. And I've been very passive aggressive. I annoy the shit out of myself sometimes.
- I'm going to be the one that people call when they have free time. That's the kind of person I want to be.
Physical goals will probably finish up the list;
- I'm going to have abs by the end of this semester. I'm supremely jealous of all the bikini pictures all over facebook. I want them. The end.
- I'm going to finish p90x. This is will probably contribute to prior goal and I will probably be in a lot of pain but I want to do it.
- I'm going to eat less instant food. Shit that stuff is bad for you.
Mental goals. Knew I forgot something;
- I'm not going to lose my energy level. I hate being mellow. Fuck it.
- I'm going to manage my time better. I'm so frustrated that I can't get things done when I want to get them done and I know it's all due to my procrastination habits and lack of caring. But. It needs to happen. So it will.
Fin.
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| Let's try for something non-emo shall we?
It's taken awhile but I've slowly come to the realization that - as awesome as I like to pretend to think I am - no one really cares. I'm never going to get the approval from the parties I crave praise from, no matter what I do, no matter how "awesome" I am, and no matter how well I perform. And the people that disapprove will always disapprove, no matter what my attempts to impress result in.
There will always be lies and the fake smiles will always linger.
But right now, thinking about it feels liberating. I can finally be the person not afraid to do the things I want to do. Ignore the judgmental stares and resist the fear of social punishment. If you like me, you like me. If you don't, carry on. And if you love me, you'll love my free spirit.
I've given up. But it feels pretty good.
Watch out world. I'm back.
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| So you know this thing? Where I can't sleep?
Yeah it sucks.
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| Though I suppose that's not really too difficult since before they closely resembled never-ending acid trips. Or in the very least what I'd equate an acid trip to being.
To be honest, I almost prefer the acid trips. I'd wake up confused and disoriented with a lingering discomfort that I'd just come back from someplace I didn't remember traveling to. Where a BigMac turned into a huge blob of green jelly that chased me down the infinitely long counter top. But at the end, I'd be relatively sure that it was indeed what I'd thought; just a dream.
But I suppose to a six year old, that's all scary enough. My twenty year old subconscious feels the need to overcompensate.
I'm not sure how to handle it. The truth behind the imagery and the repetition of events I never wanted to see again. And it brings to mind the one question that I have so many answers for, so many situations; analyzed down to the last tear.
What's wrong with me? Why do I always get left behind?
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| There's something tiring about these walls.
I thought I'd figured it out. Thought after so long, I could learn to enjoy being conscious within them.
But it seems that I have again, been mistaken. I haven't climbed any mountains, haven't broken any hurdles, just stared through the glass and pretended; if I tread slowly enough, the edged fragments wouldn't shatter through my illusions.
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